Disastrous age to start talking about adoption...

Talking about adoption to your child can be tricky.  If you talk about it to your child, they will have more questions to ask which can be difficult to answer at times.  But, if you don't answer, you may be violating their trust as well.  So, how do you deal with it?  This video explains how...  Happy adoption journey.

5 Unique tips to bond with your adopted child...

Some adoptive children go through such difficult growing up years that they carry a lot of baggage which requires special awareness and interventions to help them overcome.  No two adoptive children are same so every parent has to learn to look at their child from their child's angle to understand and address his/ her unique challenges.  

Helpful Website

Are you just starting out in the adoption process and have lots of questions? Or maybe you have chosen the country of India?

I found this website that may be helpful for you to make some choices and make this adoption happen. Maybe you have already brought your child home. In that case there is also some information on here for you as well that may be of encourgement. We are all required to take more training for adoption these days than in the past, but sometimes it just doesn't all stick with us. This site may refresh your memory especially if you are going for it a second time.

Here's your link:

http://www.international-adoption-facts-and-information.com

Book Blogging

If you keep a blog for a written record about your special adoption journey, to your child, and it has come to an end, you may be wishing you could have this all saved for them to view in the future without saving the blog.

I know of a few whose blogs are getting too big and they just want to put it into a book as there are too many pages to back track, but they want to continue to blog and print off. This would be a wonderful way to save your blog for a keepsake as well, but how to do it? There is a wonderful new site that I found that can help you do just that. www.bloggertobook.com is a place where you can get your blog posts put into files to keep and print later, just have on your computer, or printed into a book now. For those special people in your life, perhaps your blog book would make a great Christmas gift! Happy blog booking!

Time-In?

Do adopted children need to be disciplined differently than Bio children? If you are adopting from a Hague country you will no doubt read up on disciplining your child at some point for your training.
Here is one more article on giving your child a Time-in that I thought was interesting to read and could be very helpful as well.
Check it out at:
http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetails.aspx?id=648

Documentary

I watched a documentary tonight about an Indian adoptee, who was abandoned on the streets of Calcutta and was then adopted, and wanted to pass it along. The series is called “Intervention” and tells of this young man’s struggle with identity issues, relationship problems and drugs. It was hard to watch.

Here is the link, just a head’s up that it does have strong drug use images:
http://www.aetv. com/intervention /video/index. jsp?bcpid= 1452232410& bclid=2397915000 1&bctid=24034295 001

Being aware of how much pain our children might carry and to do our best to help prevent something like this from happening is a very important thing to think about before problems might arise . We need to stay in tune with our kids as much as possible, even if they don’t make that an easy thing to do, it will be well worth it. We also should prepare ourselves as much as we can by learning more about adoption and how it may affect your child, and even more if your child is originally of another nationality.

Understanding your spouse/ partner for a stronger family

Every time I do adoption counseling I try to evaluate the couple for their intimacy towards each other. I do this mostly by observing their actions, body language and tone of voice to each other etc. Very rarely I do this by asking an explicit question.

Blog-Older Child Adoption

If you have adopted an older child (age 5 and up) or are thinking of doing so, there is someone starting a new blog that may be helpful to you.

There is hope with this blog to connect AP parents and PAP. The goal is to present realistic experiences of families with older adopted children. There will be some resources and stories for you to check out and add to. This blogspot is hoping people will share what helped in their journey of the adoption, Ex. Specific resources-books,websites,blogs, etc. The blog will represent children and families from all over the world and if it makes families more comfortable they can share under an alias. Here is the link to check it out: www.adoptingolderkids.blogspot.com I think this is a great idea for support to each other along with helping PAP’s make an informed decision about the older child that they desire to bring home. If you desire to participate in the blog you can contact Kerri at:
adoptingolderkids@gmail.com

Free Lifebook Course

For those of you who are wanting to start a Lifebook for your child and want more information, just are not sure where you want to begin, what all you want to include or are wondering what a lifebook even is, here is some help.


During the month of May Adoption Learning Partners is offering a free course. You may even be able to count this class as hours going toward your Hague adoption training.
Here is the link: http://www.adoptionlearningpartners.org/lifebooks.cfm
Enjoy!

Keeping up Culture

We attended a Chinese acrobat show recently at a nearby college, the whole family really enjoyed this. It was pretty amazing to see all the things they could do. At intermission....

they asked people to come and sign up to win two tickets for season passes. I thought this sounded like a great idea, plus they were giving out candy bars to all who signed up and the kids thought this was a great idea. When I filled out the form they asked what other types of programs we would like to see brought to the college. India came to mind, so I wrote down something to do with India’s culture. I would love to bring our daughter here to see a group from India and she can be proud of her birth country too. When we were sitting in our seats, waiting for the program to start, we saw some flags hanging up behind us and Sananda and I found India’s flag and the U.S. flag among the rest, it felt good to see them both hanging up there together.
Some friends of ours who have adopted from another country host one of the college students from that same country for special outings so their children can be more connected with their roots. I am thinking that this would be a great idea for us too. Perhaps the college student that we could host would like to come to our home for holidays and such being so far from home(India). It would be great getting to know these kids and supporting them here while they may really like getting to know our little one and have a great impact on her as well.
Other things we really like to do is to listen to music from India, put up decorations that portray the country and eat at the nearest Indian restaurant whenever we get the chance. I do try my hand at cooking some of the same foods myself and buying things from the Indian grocery that we have come to love. We buy clothes that I and my daughter’s can wear and watch things about India when we get the chance. Meeting other families with kids from there and keeping in touch with the families through blogs and e-mails is fun and beneficial for our little girl and us too. I have gifts that I picked up last time I was in country to give our daughter for each of her birthdays for a long time to come. I am hoping I get back there before I run out and hoping that Sananda will be along with me in the not too far future for one of these trips so she can experience India again to visit her state of birth and wherever else we are fortunate enough to visit. I also made an Indian doll for my daughter and am making clothes of India for her, to dress them in, since these are so hard to come by. We also celebrate some of India’s holidays and we look for things pertaining to India and talk about them, this is a lot of fun and also educational for the whole family. Attending culture camp is another fun thing that our whole family can do together which also encourages our child to learn even more about her homeland.

Family Day!

The day your child joins your family via adoption is a very special time. Some families like to celebrate this day as well as the child’s birthday. There are many different ways to celebrate what might be called Family Day.

I like this name as it includes everyone. If you like to celebrate this day here are some ideas that might be fun to do together:

1. Read your child’s adoption journal or life book to your child and look at pictures/videos from the day you were united at long last and maybe even share an Indian meal.
2. As your child gets older perhaps they would like to share with their class how they were joined together with you via adoption and talk about their birth country , including pictures of India with a map of the area they came from, along with Indian sweets for treats, and even read a story about India. This can also help spread a positive light on adoption in your child’s classroom.
3. You could decide to send a gift or money to the orphanage your child came from as a token of appreciation for the care they gave her/him and to help others who are still waiting for a family.
4. Spend the evening together watching a film about India, along with a mango lassi, Indian sweets, or just good old popcorn.
5. Celebrate with another family who brought a child or children home from India.
6. Make a scrapbook page about your family each year and then add it to a special family book you all create together.
7. Share why each family member is special
8. Make a cake and decorate it with small candles, one for every member of the family and then put a large number candle in the middle for how many years you have been together as a family.
9. If you have bio kids, make sure they know they are important and a wonderful par t of the family, include them.
10. Really, any way you decide to celebrate lets your child know that you are very happy they are a part of your family and a true blessing indeed, so be creative and let your child decide if it should be low key or a big happy celebration.
Remember this is also a day that the child may remember they have some losses too, so be sensitive to what your child wants to do and how they want to celebrate.

Teaching child birth to children

Somehow my older daughter began thinking that every child in this world is adopted. Everywhere she saw a little child, she would ask us if he/ she was adopted and from where? Needless to say that mom and I wanted to correct this.

I read somewhere that using a friend/ family’s pregnancy to explain how the child grows in the tummy is a helpful tip. We had a friend who conceived so we began talking to Lydia about it and as she was seeing the tummy grow each month she seem to have gotten the grasp of a child growing.

Next came about talking about child coming out. Recently Lydia and mom were watching Animal planet and it was showing a giraffe giving birth to a baby giraffe. The conversation went along the graphic details of the show and at the end she seemed to have gotten the understanding of natural born babies. She was not very pleased with all the other stuff that came out along with the baby though.

Guess what we are dreading now about explaining? How did the baby come in to the tummy to grow there in the first place? Any ideas? The only answer we have for now is “God made it” but we know that it is not an adequate and pragmatic enough answer.

Places where your child might hear about adoption

I am an advocate of sharing the information about adoption with the adopted children. I believe very strongly in this because the information belongs to the child and secondly it is a betrayal of trust.

Having said that, I know there are families out there that believe very strongly in contrary to my belief system. I don’t say they are ‘wrong’ but their line of thinking is not in the best interest of the child. If a family is just not willing to consider others point of view I want them to be aware of most possible places where their child might hear about their own adoption.

Friends & relatives: Your legal adoption couldn’t have taken place without someone (like friends and relatives) knowing about it. From there, it spreads to others and especially if it happens to be children, it cannot be a secret for very long.

School: If one child from above situation (friends & relatives) happens to be in your child’s school, you can be assured that it spread to the entire school like wild fire.

Doctor’s visit: During your child’s doctor’s visit, you might be asked about the family history, pre-existing conditions and blood group matching that could spill the beans.

In conclusion, in each of the above situations, one could come up with a compromise such as not visiting the relatives, moving to a new town/ city for school or simply cooking up a story to a doctor, consider the costs and effort that one has to put in to keep a secret.

Even those that talk openly about adoption with their children need to be aware of these possible places to ensure that they don't affect the child adversely in anyway (for example bullying by kids at the school).

In spite of all your efforts to keep it secret, if the child does come to know about adoption from someone else, will the child respect your way of handling his/ her story of adoption? Time will tell.

Who We Are!

Our little girl loves to go through the list of names of our family members. She will do it when we are playing in the pool as she looks at each of us she says our names, and she will do it when she sees our family pictures hanging on the wall.

She always ends with her name included last. Maybe because she is youngest? Sometimes she will point to her picture and say, "Mommy's girl". And I say, "Yes!, Mommy's girl!". It was when she was pointing at the pictures on the wall that I realized how powerful it was for her to see her picture up there with us all. I knew that probably helped with her bonding process to our family, to see her as one of us. If you have recently or not so recently brought your child home, I would advise you to take a family picture soon or even individual pictures and put them all up together like a collage/group on the wall where they will see it many times a day, so that your child can see you all together with them included. I believe it is one of the many things you can do for your child to feel more connected to you all.

Bonding issues in a new adoption arrival

We are about to adopt a child and we would like to know any bonding issues that we should be aware of?

Unlike in a biological birth, you don’t have the experience of pregnancy and instant physical bonding in adoption. So obviously you must try to do few things to develop the bonding between the child and you/ your family.

You can try the following:

1. If it is possible, both of you can take time off from work for sometime and just stay home with the child (preferably two weeks or longer).

2. Try to avoid any visitors to your house (at least for about two weeks or longer).

3. Both of you can try to be around the child in as many activities as you both possibly can (for example, feeding, bathing, and changing etc)

4. Express your love explicitly by touching, kissing, hugging and doing baby talking etc.

5. If you both are going to be around (like in the bed) keep the child in between you instead of in the crib. There’s a thin line between bonding and teaching the child to be independent. Don’t try too hard to keep a room for your child when he/ she is only few months old. It might backfire on you.

6. If the child is talkative, engage them to talk as much as they can. Don’t stop them nor should you get angry/ frustrated. They may not have had the opportunity to express before and they must see an environment that is encouraging.

7. If you’re a clean freak, don’t throw a fit if a child has an accident or throws food around. Give yourself some time and you’ll get used to it.

8. Read child appropriate books to the older children.

9. Eat together as a family.

10. Allow them to have toys and play together as a family however silly it may seem to you.

11. As it is not interactive, avoid watching television when the child is awake.

12. If you’re living in a joint family, explain your objective to the entire family and let everyone be part of but the majority of it must be played by the mother and the father.

13. Use common sense to find good balance between caring for the child and caring for your self.

Travel kit for the inter-country adopters

When you travel to India to pick up your child, do you know what all you need to take with you? If it is first time that you or your family coming to India, there are certain things that you should be aware. Hard and fast rule of international travel is to travel light yet containing everything that you, your family and the child that you want to adopt need.

My wife and I put this list together. If you want to add something, please feel free to add in the comments section.

A backpack: Come with a good backpack, which can also be used as a diaper bag. It is suggested not to come with a diaper bag because unlike backpack it cannot free your hands. If you have to, come with a smaller diaper bag.

Snugli (baby carrying bag): This will keep your hands free when you travel.

Over the counter medicines: Come prepared with age appropriate OTC medicines for your child for common ailments. Medicines that are available in India for children are not so child friendly and also the risk of adulterated medicines being sold are high.

Travel size baby shampoo, body lotion, wash clothes (onesies) and bibs.

Formula: It is advisable that you use the same formula that the orphanage may have used till you reach home lest you risk upsetting your child’s tummy.

Baby socks for travel.

Camera: Bring a small digital camera that has the option to shoot still photos as well as to record video clips. Bring also some extra batteries and memory card.

Come with one or two noisemaking toys.

You can pretty much get everything but the quality of products that you get here is in question. So whatever you may buy that needs to be consumed or applied on your body, you would be better off bringing it from home.

How did we choose our adoption agency

Sometimes when people are asking about our adoption they ask how we got our baby girl. They are wondering if we used an agency or another avenue. I tell them a little about the process and sometimes how we chose our agency. I will tell you a little about it.....



When we first decided to adopt I joined a group that is for adoptive parents of Indian children to help us find an agency, and asked as many questions as we could think of that we wanted answered. I wanted to learn as much as I could about adoption and India from there. I figured the best place to go was where is was happening. It was so exciting to be starting this new part of our life, adding a child to our family through adoption. I told people, on group, our situation and asked what agencies would best suit our family. They were all so sweet and helpful. I have to confess, I ignorantly, thought we may be one of the lucky ones who has their adoption process just fly through and we could have our daughter home in a year’s time, or shortly after that. Now I laugh at that thought! I am so happy though that we have the sweet little girl that we do and would wait all over again for her . Well, we found each agency has their own guidelines/requirements for APs, along with India’s. We narrowed down our choices this way to only a few and found we were lead to one that stood out. We also had talked to APs who had their children home already through this agency and one couple was even on a second adoption through them and very happy with the way things went. We felt if they had used this same agency a second time that it must be good. As it turned out, this agency was very good about communication with us and did not mind when we asked questions, this was important to us as it helped to relieve the stress of the process. They even kept us very well informed about what was happening on the Indian side and why things would slow down, this really helped us to deal with all the waiting.

Maybe you are hoping to start the process soon. I have listed below some general guidelines that come to mind, perhaps they will help you out.

1. Ask questions.

2. Get references from others who have used agencies you are interested in.

3. Check for agencies that you meet the requirements for and that meet your requirements.

4. Check Indian law and requirements against each agency (use CARA website).

5. Join a list with people who have adopted from India, ask whatever you need to know , ask if there are agencies to be avoided and why.

6. Join lists with people who have adopted from agencies you are considering (agencies themselves often have forums you can join if you are thinking of adopting through them).

7. Adoption can bring challenges with it, find an agency that will help you to prepare for it. You owe this to your child and to yourself. You can learn a lot this way on how to make your child comfortable in their new forever home and so much more.

8. Find an agency that has a good reputation for helping with post adoption services.

9. Find a list that helps you to evaluate different agencies.

10. Check agency fees against each other as this also can vary greatly, ask for a breakdown of their fees so you can see where the money goes.

Wishing you a Happy Adoption!

If anyone has any guidelines I forgot that you would like to add, please feel free to enter them in the comments section below. Thanks.

Difference between an orphanage and an adoption agency.

It is the child who has no family of any sort (an orphan) is to be placed in adoption but till such adoption takes place, dwelling of an orphan is called “Orphanage”. So it is logical to think that people should go to orphanage to adopt a child. Well…. it is a huge misconception that many people believe in. Read on to understand the difference between an orphanage and an adoption agency.

Orphanages and adoption agencies are two distinct places working with two different objectives. Orphanages (now under a new law in India called “Juvenile & Justice Act” or JJ Act they are to be called as “Children’s Homes”) are places where they provide care and protection to a child who needs them. These could be taking care of orphans but not necessarily those that have no family of any sort. For example, a child may have lost his/ her parents but may have extended family who is unable/ unwilling to provide the needed care and protection to the child. As long as the child has a family of some sort (although they are unable to care), they are not free for adoption. Orphanages cannot house a child who has no family of any sort

Adoption agencies or placement agencies are places that exclusively deal with placing an orphan child in adoption. For example, if a child is found abandoned in a railway station, once the government makes a determination that the child is abandoned, they are not sent to an orphanage but to an adoption agency. Adoption agency will take the child through several legal steps to declare free for adoption before they actually place them in a home through adoption. The state government normally licenses adoption agencies after they meet certain guidelines.

In Tamilnadu, any new adoption agency is licensed only after they maintain a children’s home (or orphanage) for minimum of three years. In this case, you might see an adoption agency and an orphanage working together in one location or in two different locations. This is required because once the efforts to place a child in adoption are exhausted, the child can be sent to an orphanage for continued care and protection.

Remember: If you or anyone that you know of looking to adopt, the place to visit is not an orphanage but an adoption agency or a placement agency.

Ruby

A tip to get most from your adoption expenses

Apart from other inconveniences of inter-country adoption, expense of it can weigh you down quite heavily. It is advised that you should be willing to spare anywhere in the range of 20,000 dollars to adopt from India. If you’re living in the United States, you have some comfort in knowing that you can claim part of your adoption expenses (little over 10,000 dollars) in “Adoption Tax Credit”. If you try this tip, you might be able to get more than that.

Your search for an adoption agency need to include questions to ask to find if the agency is a non-profit organization (I mean 501c3 exempt organization) and what amount of money is to be given as a “donation”. Also find out if you could get a separate receipt (to deduct your donation under “Charitable contribution” heading) for your donation apart from the receipt for all other adoption expenses.

This is how you’re going to it: Let’s say you had started your adoption process in June of 2006 and completed in December of 2007. You’ll have to wait for at least six months to finalize your adoption. Only after you finalize your adoption, you can claim your expenses under “Adoption Tax Credit” in that year which will be 2008. In 2007, you may have contributed some money towards donation, which you could deduct in 2007 taxes under “Charitable contribution” heading.

Assuming that you had spent 20,000 dollars with 3,000 being for donation, you could claim 3 K in 2007 as a charitable contribution and use the remaining expenses against “Adoption Tax Credit” for the tax year 2008 to claim whatever is entitled. This way you can optimize your taxes to maximum benefit. Bottom line is that you have to plan well in advance to split your expenses under two different headings because in inter-country adoption every penny counts.

Ruby

Parenting

That other day when I asked my older daughter to do something she point blank told me “NO” and she explained the reason for it. I was kind of taken a back a bit by her response. After I regrouped myself, I thought about her behavior and felt something different.

I remember those days when she was just beginning to talk with babble. I used to encourage and cheer her to talk more and talk more accurately. It used to be so cute to hear her say words with a bit of slur and stammer because she couldn’t twist her tongue. Slowly but surely she began. Soon she joined in school and then her thoughts became more refined and wide ranging.

In the meantime my thought process seem not have grown proportionately along with my daughter and the changing times around. I am still hoping and expecting her to speak with babble. I was prepared for her to go to school but not gain independent thinking. I was prepared for her to speak accurately but not freedom to reason and question.

I realized then that it is not my daughter who needs to change but my attitude towards her. To understand her better, I simply need to wear hear shoes. I need to make a decision if I want to be a controlling figure or an influencing figure in her life. Controlling figure is the one who says “My way or no way” but an influencing figure teaches by example.

Point in short: Let your thoughts grow along with your child. Try to solve your child’s issues with rationale and reason otherwise the distance between your child and you are going to widen along with their age.

Do you have a parenting tip you want to share? Write in the comments section below.

Ruby