Today’s guest column is featuring a Gynecologist who is an infertility specialist at a prestigious medical institution in India called “Christian Medical College & Hospital” CMC). Meet Dr. Gigi Chandy that promotes adoption as an overall strategy of treating infertility.
When do you know a couple may have reached the end of their options to conceive biologically?
Age is a very important factor as far as a lady is concerned. If the ovarian reserve is compromised, which is the capacity of an ovary to produce follicles, then the physician advises the couple to think of other options to have a family.
When does a male partner reach the end of his options to conceive biologically?
When his semen analysis shows azoospermia and sperms cannot be retrieved by biopsy. Such couples have an option of donor programme.
How did you get involved in promoting adoptions with your childless couples?
I work in a Reproductive Medicine Unit, which serves as a tertiary center. So by the time a couple reaches us they would have completed most of the treatment available. I do adoption counseling only to those who have already made the decision and are getting ready for it.
How do you go about promoting adoption to your childless couples?
Almost always the couple themselves makes the suggestion. I encourage them by highlighting all the positive factors involved in accepting this method of starting a family.
How encouraging is the outcome of your effort?
Almost always it is very encouraging. Occasionally they keep in touch by e-mail informing me their progress and anxieties.
You’re working for a private hospital and your professional services are extremely valuable. Why do you keep your patient's interests above your employer’s commercial interests and how is it going with your employer.
I do not know how applicable this is for CMC. I am a total CMC doctor literally grew up in the CMC ethos. Patient care is topmost priority for me which I suppose is the same for every CMC staff.
If there is an organization out there that wants to partner with you to scale your effort, how would you respond and what are your expectations?
I am willing to be of service to anybody as long as it does not affect my regular work.
What are your future plans in promoting adoptions?
Same as what it is now.
If there is a childless couple looking for advice, how can they get in touch with you?
They can initially contact me by phone or by e-mail and fix up an appointment to meet me in the RMU dept
Showing posts with label Guest Column. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Guest Column. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Guest column - Rolling's family (Birth family search) - Part II
What is the status of your relationship with the birth family now?
We continue to be in close communication with our children's birth mother (her husband died recently) and we will be traveling to visit the family again in two months time. We have booked accommodation that allows us to spend several days living together with our children's first mother and their little brothers and sisters.
Our relationship with our family in India is of utmost importance to all of us, and we will ensure it continues. Our children feel loved and supported by both their families, and it has been an incredibly enriching relationship for everyone.
Akil and kids
What challenges do you (as an adoptive mother) see now as "Challenges after a successful birth family search"?
One of the challenges is that it is very easy to focus on the "reunion" in the same was as it is easy to concentrate on the moment of bringing home your child when you are adopting. In both cases, however, it is just the start of a new journey in life. Our children's reunion with their first mother has been the start of a whole new way of looking at our family, as we all now feel very strongly that our children's Indian family is a part of our family.
This has also affected our other children, both biological and adopted. We have not been able to offer the opportunity for a reunion, or even any more information, for our sons who were adopted from Nagpur. We have had to remain conscious of the reactions and emotions of our other children to our youngest children's reunion. They have all been very positive, even though we are unable to provide them with the same opportunities. I believe that the warm relationship we have had with our family in India is due to the goodwill on the part of both of our families, and also to the invaluable assistance of my friend who continues to act as a linguistic and cultural mediator. Without her help this would not have been possible.
Akil plays big brother
What is your advice to any adoptive family that may be insecure about birth family search?
I would encourage other adoptive parents to be confident in their parenting and not to be worried at all about losing their child's affection to their birth parents. Love does not come in finite quantities. Bringing more children into our family has not diminished my love for all my children. In a similar way, my children's love for me and my husband has not been lessened at all by them also loving another mother. I believe the key factor is that neither Sunama nor me feel a need for our children to love us exclusively, and neither of us is jealous of the other. I expected that I would feel jealous when I saw my children in the arms of their birth mother but it simply didn't happen. We had the choice of having the children pulled between their birth and adoptive families, or having them loved and nurtured by both families supporting each other.
Julia and little Zeenath
Would you be interested to be a resource person to any reader that might like to communicate with you over an email?
Yes, I would be happy to chat with parents who would like to explore this further. I am visiting Chennai in the November so may be there could be an opportunity to get together to discuss our experiences with other adoptive families. (Please write to indiahopehouse@gmail.com to get Julia’s email address.)
The following are comments offered by Julia’s two children...
"Everything was good about our reunion. I was nervous at first to see my family in India but then I felt happy when we spent time with them. They are part of our family. I love my two families the same because they are both part of my life." Sabila, aged 13 years old.
"I feel happy to be in touch with them and I hope we are able to spend more time with them. They are really nice people and I enjoy spending time with them. I love the family I live with now the most because I've spent most of my life with this family but I still care about my family in India a lot." Akil, 15 years old.
Julia had authored a book titled “Love Our Way” and it can be viewed at this link
We continue to be in close communication with our children's birth mother (her husband died recently) and we will be traveling to visit the family again in two months time. We have booked accommodation that allows us to spend several days living together with our children's first mother and their little brothers and sisters.
Our relationship with our family in India is of utmost importance to all of us, and we will ensure it continues. Our children feel loved and supported by both their families, and it has been an incredibly enriching relationship for everyone.
Akil and kidsWhat challenges do you (as an adoptive mother) see now as "Challenges after a successful birth family search"?
One of the challenges is that it is very easy to focus on the "reunion" in the same was as it is easy to concentrate on the moment of bringing home your child when you are adopting. In both cases, however, it is just the start of a new journey in life. Our children's reunion with their first mother has been the start of a whole new way of looking at our family, as we all now feel very strongly that our children's Indian family is a part of our family.
This has also affected our other children, both biological and adopted. We have not been able to offer the opportunity for a reunion, or even any more information, for our sons who were adopted from Nagpur. We have had to remain conscious of the reactions and emotions of our other children to our youngest children's reunion. They have all been very positive, even though we are unable to provide them with the same opportunities. I believe that the warm relationship we have had with our family in India is due to the goodwill on the part of both of our families, and also to the invaluable assistance of my friend who continues to act as a linguistic and cultural mediator. Without her help this would not have been possible.
Akil plays big brotherWhat is your advice to any adoptive family that may be insecure about birth family search?
I would encourage other adoptive parents to be confident in their parenting and not to be worried at all about losing their child's affection to their birth parents. Love does not come in finite quantities. Bringing more children into our family has not diminished my love for all my children. In a similar way, my children's love for me and my husband has not been lessened at all by them also loving another mother. I believe the key factor is that neither Sunama nor me feel a need for our children to love us exclusively, and neither of us is jealous of the other. I expected that I would feel jealous when I saw my children in the arms of their birth mother but it simply didn't happen. We had the choice of having the children pulled between their birth and adoptive families, or having them loved and nurtured by both families supporting each other.
Julia and little ZeenathWould you be interested to be a resource person to any reader that might like to communicate with you over an email?
Yes, I would be happy to chat with parents who would like to explore this further. I am visiting Chennai in the November so may be there could be an opportunity to get together to discuss our experiences with other adoptive families. (Please write to indiahopehouse@gmail.com to get Julia’s email address.)
The following are comments offered by Julia’s two children...
"Everything was good about our reunion. I was nervous at first to see my family in India but then I felt happy when we spent time with them. They are part of our family. I love my two families the same because they are both part of my life." Sabila, aged 13 years old.
"I feel happy to be in touch with them and I hope we are able to spend more time with them. They are really nice people and I enjoy spending time with them. I love the family I live with now the most because I've spent most of my life with this family but I still care about my family in India a lot." Akil, 15 years old.
Julia had authored a book titled “Love Our Way” and it can be viewed at this link
Monday, September 08, 2008
Guest Column - Rolling's family (Birth family search)
Meet an Australian family that has eight kids (two bio and six adoptive) out of which four are from India. Rollings have adopted two brothers from Nagpur in 1995 and a brother & a sister from Chennai in 1998. Other two kids are adopted from Korea and Taiwan. Rollings had helped the siblings from Chennai to search for their birth family.
Rolling's family
Why did your family decide to search for the birth family? What is the background of the decision you've made?
We decided to actively search for our youngest children's birth family following news that the director of our children's former adoption agency in India had been arrested in early 2006. We had asked that agency for more information and possible contact with our children's first parents several months before this occurred, but the news of the arrest certainly spurred us along. We felt we needed to verify that our children's history was as we had been told, and that their Indian family had not been exploited in the adoption process.
Babu, Sunama and their seven children
What was your children's role in this decision to pursue birth family search?
Our children's attitudes were crucial to our decision. Both of our children were asking for reassurance that their birth parents were well and were happy. Our daughter also wanted to meet her birth parents, particularly her first mother, Sunama, while our son wanted to know about their welfare but was not as eager as his sister to have contact. As our children are biological siblings, we had to take into consideration whether they were both ready for us to search on their behalf. Our daughter was definitely the stronger in this desire but our son was also agreeable.
Sunama and Sabi
How did you all undertake the process to search?
We already had much of the information we needed: our children's birth names, the first names of their Indian parents (these were listed on their Indian passports), and the name of the town they were born in (also on their passports). Although they had been adopted from a Chennai agency, they had been born in a much smaller town a few hours out of Chennai and that made searching much easier. I had a trusted friend in India who we asked to do an investigation on our behalf. They took a fact-finding trip to our children's former neighborhood, where locals immediately recalled the family and gave contact details for the relatives.
Akil and Sabi
If there's one thing that made your search process easier, what would it be and why?
The crucial factor to our search was having a trusted person who was able to act as a mediator, both during the search process but, even more importantly, through our continuing relationship with our children's first family. We needed someone to act as a go-between for practical reasons, in particular our inability to speak a common language as our children's birth family, but also because we needed to protect our minor children until we knew the current situation of the family we were searching for. Other factors that made it easier were some happy coincidences that fell into place during the search. One of these was that on the trip to their town my friend happening to meet a former neighbor of the family who had the phone number for our children's maternal uncle, living in Bangalore. This uncle was then able to put us in touch with Sunama, who had moved to Chennai.
Could you explain in brief about the reunion? Your kids reactions and their biological family reactions.
We made contact with Sunama in mid 2006 and we started sending letters through my Indian friend. Sunama, her second husband and their five children would visit my friend's office in Chennai to collect our letters and photographs, and my friend would translate our letters. She would then send us emailed messages from our children's family. After a few months of this contact I returned to India with our son and daughter, then age 12 and 13 years old. Our meeting took place on the side of the road outside my friend's office in Chennai, as the family was awaiting our arrival an hour ahead of our appointment. Sunama embraced our daughter, and they both started crying. She then hugged our son, before turning to me and embracing me also. Their welcome was warm and loving, and their small children were soon climbing into the arms of the older brother and sister they had only just met. The family invited me to come to stay in their home with our son and daughter. This was a little confronting because we knew the family lived in an impoverished community in very poor housing, but more so because we were traveling without my friend. My son, daughter and I spent four days living with our children's family, without any common language. It was a wonderful opportunity to start building relationships between all of us, and we were treated as honoured guests in their home and community.
....to be continued and concluded tomorrow
Rolling's familyWhy did your family decide to search for the birth family? What is the background of the decision you've made?
We decided to actively search for our youngest children's birth family following news that the director of our children's former adoption agency in India had been arrested in early 2006. We had asked that agency for more information and possible contact with our children's first parents several months before this occurred, but the news of the arrest certainly spurred us along. We felt we needed to verify that our children's history was as we had been told, and that their Indian family had not been exploited in the adoption process.
Babu, Sunama and their seven children What was your children's role in this decision to pursue birth family search?
Our children's attitudes were crucial to our decision. Both of our children were asking for reassurance that their birth parents were well and were happy. Our daughter also wanted to meet her birth parents, particularly her first mother, Sunama, while our son wanted to know about their welfare but was not as eager as his sister to have contact. As our children are biological siblings, we had to take into consideration whether they were both ready for us to search on their behalf. Our daughter was definitely the stronger in this desire but our son was also agreeable.
Sunama and SabiHow did you all undertake the process to search?
We already had much of the information we needed: our children's birth names, the first names of their Indian parents (these were listed on their Indian passports), and the name of the town they were born in (also on their passports). Although they had been adopted from a Chennai agency, they had been born in a much smaller town a few hours out of Chennai and that made searching much easier. I had a trusted friend in India who we asked to do an investigation on our behalf. They took a fact-finding trip to our children's former neighborhood, where locals immediately recalled the family and gave contact details for the relatives.
Akil and SabiIf there's one thing that made your search process easier, what would it be and why?
The crucial factor to our search was having a trusted person who was able to act as a mediator, both during the search process but, even more importantly, through our continuing relationship with our children's first family. We needed someone to act as a go-between for practical reasons, in particular our inability to speak a common language as our children's birth family, but also because we needed to protect our minor children until we knew the current situation of the family we were searching for. Other factors that made it easier were some happy coincidences that fell into place during the search. One of these was that on the trip to their town my friend happening to meet a former neighbor of the family who had the phone number for our children's maternal uncle, living in Bangalore. This uncle was then able to put us in touch with Sunama, who had moved to Chennai.
Could you explain in brief about the reunion? Your kids reactions and their biological family reactions.
We made contact with Sunama in mid 2006 and we started sending letters through my Indian friend. Sunama, her second husband and their five children would visit my friend's office in Chennai to collect our letters and photographs, and my friend would translate our letters. She would then send us emailed messages from our children's family. After a few months of this contact I returned to India with our son and daughter, then age 12 and 13 years old. Our meeting took place on the side of the road outside my friend's office in Chennai, as the family was awaiting our arrival an hour ahead of our appointment. Sunama embraced our daughter, and they both started crying. She then hugged our son, before turning to me and embracing me also. Their welcome was warm and loving, and their small children were soon climbing into the arms of the older brother and sister they had only just met. The family invited me to come to stay in their home with our son and daughter. This was a little confronting because we knew the family lived in an impoverished community in very poor housing, but more so because we were traveling without my friend. My son, daughter and I spent four days living with our children's family, without any common language. It was a wonderful opportunity to start building relationships between all of us, and we were treated as honoured guests in their home and community.
....to be continued and concluded tomorrow
Friday, August 22, 2008
Guest column - Prospective adoptive family in India
What's so good about Latur project?
Well, the best thing about Latur is you are treated with respect and not treated like a desperate childless couple (though we chose adoption by choice we were treated very badly). And they are patient and give you all the information and are very cooperative. Since these are small places in this project, the waiting period is less and you always have children waiting there.
Tells about your home study and how it went?
One Mrs. Lakshmi did our home study (Here also Vidya helped us by identifying the agency). The whole thing lasted little more than two hours. It was on a Saturday, 9th of August. We just returned from Bangalore after seeing my sister off. Our house was in a mess and we tried cleaning it up as much as possibly could. I must say that we were little tensed up as our future is dependent on that. To our surprise, we found laxmi - a very warm person and she asked all the possible questions. We felt relieved, confident and happy once the whole thing was over.
How are you preparing for the arrival of your baby (like celebration or a welcome party)?
Well, our baby is due in the first week of October. We are traveling to Latur in 40 days. Meet the baby and give the Baby’s blood samples for HIV and hepatitis tests. Be with the baby for the rest of the day. We are expecting the tests results in two days.
We will have few friends waiting to welcome the baby when we comeback but we are not planning to have a party immediately as we would like to give the baby some time to adjust. Once she settles down we would like to perform the adoption process at home (Arya Samaj way) and we are also planning to have a naamkaran ceremony (We are planning to change her name) some time in the first week of November or so. I have taken 2 months leave so that we adjust as a family and the baby is comfortable. Towards the end of my leave we are again planning to have a welcoming party (a bash I must say) for her with a BIIIIIIIIIG cake, toys, and balloons etc
What are your fears of adoption and how are you preparing to cope with it?
Well, I never thought about hereditary and all that so much. Both my nephews (especially my elder nephew) share lots of my traits and my sis always used to tell me that I haven’t left her even after she got married and went off. All his actions remind her so much of me. Since we still have a chance to have a bio child we cannot compare that. We would like to be conscious in not saying whom the baby resembles or things like that. Our parents luckily agreed for this adoption so we are expecting complete cooperation from our friends and extended family (except for a few who are being really nasty).
Also, we are preparing our selves by reading lot of books on adoption to know how to care for the child and how to give her time to adjust etc. We have also joined an adoptive parents group in Chennai to help ourselves.
If there's one thing that you would do it differently so far in your journey of adoption, what would it be and why
There is one bitter thing that I am going thru right now. We actually wanted to bring the baby in the first week of September but unfortunately my family says that it is not an auspicious month and we need to wait till September end. I felt so hurt. No amount of reasoning would make them understand. My heart aches for my baby. Can’t imagine we will be holding our baby 25 days delayed.
If there’s one thing that I would have changed I would have changed this. I would have started the whole process little early and the baby would have been playing in our hands by now.
Well, the best thing about Latur is you are treated with respect and not treated like a desperate childless couple (though we chose adoption by choice we were treated very badly). And they are patient and give you all the information and are very cooperative. Since these are small places in this project, the waiting period is less and you always have children waiting there.
Tells about your home study and how it went?
One Mrs. Lakshmi did our home study (Here also Vidya helped us by identifying the agency). The whole thing lasted little more than two hours. It was on a Saturday, 9th of August. We just returned from Bangalore after seeing my sister off. Our house was in a mess and we tried cleaning it up as much as possibly could. I must say that we were little tensed up as our future is dependent on that. To our surprise, we found laxmi - a very warm person and she asked all the possible questions. We felt relieved, confident and happy once the whole thing was over.
How are you preparing for the arrival of your baby (like celebration or a welcome party)?
Well, our baby is due in the first week of October. We are traveling to Latur in 40 days. Meet the baby and give the Baby’s blood samples for HIV and hepatitis tests. Be with the baby for the rest of the day. We are expecting the tests results in two days.
We will have few friends waiting to welcome the baby when we comeback but we are not planning to have a party immediately as we would like to give the baby some time to adjust. Once she settles down we would like to perform the adoption process at home (Arya Samaj way) and we are also planning to have a naamkaran ceremony (We are planning to change her name) some time in the first week of November or so. I have taken 2 months leave so that we adjust as a family and the baby is comfortable. Towards the end of my leave we are again planning to have a welcoming party (a bash I must say) for her with a BIIIIIIIIIG cake, toys, and balloons etc
What are your fears of adoption and how are you preparing to cope with it?
Well, I never thought about hereditary and all that so much. Both my nephews (especially my elder nephew) share lots of my traits and my sis always used to tell me that I haven’t left her even after she got married and went off. All his actions remind her so much of me. Since we still have a chance to have a bio child we cannot compare that. We would like to be conscious in not saying whom the baby resembles or things like that. Our parents luckily agreed for this adoption so we are expecting complete cooperation from our friends and extended family (except for a few who are being really nasty).
Also, we are preparing our selves by reading lot of books on adoption to know how to care for the child and how to give her time to adjust etc. We have also joined an adoptive parents group in Chennai to help ourselves.
If there's one thing that you would do it differently so far in your journey of adoption, what would it be and why
There is one bitter thing that I am going thru right now. We actually wanted to bring the baby in the first week of September but unfortunately my family says that it is not an auspicious month and we need to wait till September end. I felt so hurt. No amount of reasoning would make them understand. My heart aches for my baby. Can’t imagine we will be holding our baby 25 days delayed.
If there’s one thing that I would have changed I would have changed this. I would have started the whole process little early and the baby would have been playing in our hands by now.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Guest Column - Prospective adoptive family in India
Today we are featuring a prospective adoptive family in India. In this, you get a feeling that India’s future is in better hands. Meet Nirmala and Ravi – a couple adopting a child soon.
Tell us the thought process behind your decision to adopt.
I really can’t remember exactly when I thought of my own daughter. But I still remember reading pather panchali (In telugu) when I was in my 8th or 9th standard summer holidays. I cried through out. Specially when appu’s sister Durga dies and while reading about their small happiness. There I was fighting with my dad for not buying a tennis racket and as I wanted to be a tennis professional. Then I decided to do something about the poverty. The thought continued through my graduation. I had a friend in business school who always used to talk about getting married to an orphan and raising orphans. Somehow I could never believe him. I always thought he wouldn’t do it. Many times I wished I could do it. When I used to discuss it with my friend (and roommate in hostel) she told me its OK if a man thinks like that but as a woman I always need to think about whether my future husband wants it or not blah blah blah. The thought never died down.
I joined work and I still remember associating myself with I volunteer in Bangalore and once I moved to Hyderabad, we used to visit orphanages (from office) and I sponsored a child (thru CRY – Child Rights and You) and all that. During this time I met Ravi and we decided to get married. I told him I would like to continue my support to these children and thinking of sponsoring a girl child’s education. I am passionate about education, as I didn’t get to study in a good school (I had to study in Andhra University Campus in spite of getting a seat in a good business school). He said I could do whatever I want.
Obviously the decision to adopt couldn't have been 'a decision in sync', so who had this thought (to adopt) first and how did this other person go about bringing the other onto track (to adopt)?
Well, I still remember, the first day of our honeymoon in Naldehra, shimla. The moment we managed to come out (I remember we skipped the breakfast as we woke up very late) our room, we were just admiring the beautiful mountains and we asked some one at the resort what the old building on the hilltop is. He said it’s an orphanage and I immediately told my hubby if we could go there after lunch (both of us were starving). We bought lots and lots of biscuits and went as we weren’t sure what they would accept and we hardly got anything to take in that small town. We came back and he could see my happy face. After we came home from honeymoon, one night he suddenly said that he always longed to adopt. I was skeptical as he was hesitating to tell. I asked him how serious he was. He said if I agree he would love to do it ASAP. Then I told him he better not back out (I never expressed my desire till then) and I am very keen on it. That’s it. It’s unbelievable but that’s how we decided.
I asked Ravi why he wants to adopt. He said he just doesn’t have any particular reason. He was always involved in blue cross (he quit eating meat coz of that) and always wanted to make a difference. He knows his job never lets him participate in too many activities out side so he wanted to bring home some one. He loves children.
Tell us about how you handled both sides of your families’ response to your decision to adopt?
We first started with my mother as she is very modern in her thoughts and she appreciated us readily. Then it’s Ravi’s parents. We told them as soon as we decided together (within a month of our marriage) and they didn’t take us seriously. Now that our first child is going to be adopted, Ravi first told his dad. Then after 3-4 days we made both of them sit together and explained to them. They wanted the second child to be adopted as we might have a bio daughter and my father in law feels that it’s nice if we could have both genders at home. Else they weren’t particularly averse to the idea of adoption. We are skeptical about how it will turn out but things are slowly falling in place.
What kind of pre-adoption counseling have you had if you had any? Is there anything that you like to suggest for the prospective adoptive parents to do in this stage of adoption?
After I spoke to you I continued my search for a good adoption agency from Chennai and we came across a good lady by name Ms. Vidya Shankar (Relief Foundation - Chennai). Ravi and I got an appointment to meet her and I must say it was overwhelming. We were shaken as she gave us an insight into the difficulties and joys of bringing up an adopted child. We wanted to adopt a baby because we want to give home to a baby girl. She said yes, it s a nice feeling and it should stop there once we apply for adoption. From then on it is we becoming parents and how we should make the home a better place for our child from the time she enters till the day we die.
I am sure you have done your research to narrow the adoption agency, can you tell us how you went about narrowing down Latur agency?
The first agency I called up in Chennai said that they are not doing adoptions anymore, second agency told me that the waiting period is around 2 years for a baby girl. Some other agencies told me that I couldn’t adopt from Tamilnadu as we have been living here only for the past 2 years. I got panicked. That’s when I found out your website and it took me 2 days to read the entire website. We also contacted Andhra Pradesh Sishu Greh and there I got very warm response and were told that it will take anywhere between 12-18 months to bring the baby home. So I made my brother get an application form but before registering with them we just wanted to see if we can find out whether we can adopt from other states (you told us that we could and that gave us lot of confidence). That’s when we found Vidya Shankar and everything has fallen into place. Everything finished in 10days flat. Through Vidya Shankar and another friend of her we got the number and email address of CSA (Catalysts for Social Action) Then I got a response from CSA with in 2 days and that’s it. They referred me to an agency in Latur.
To be continued tomorrow....
Tell us the thought process behind your decision to adopt.
I really can’t remember exactly when I thought of my own daughter. But I still remember reading pather panchali (In telugu) when I was in my 8th or 9th standard summer holidays. I cried through out. Specially when appu’s sister Durga dies and while reading about their small happiness. There I was fighting with my dad for not buying a tennis racket and as I wanted to be a tennis professional. Then I decided to do something about the poverty. The thought continued through my graduation. I had a friend in business school who always used to talk about getting married to an orphan and raising orphans. Somehow I could never believe him. I always thought he wouldn’t do it. Many times I wished I could do it. When I used to discuss it with my friend (and roommate in hostel) she told me its OK if a man thinks like that but as a woman I always need to think about whether my future husband wants it or not blah blah blah. The thought never died down.
I joined work and I still remember associating myself with I volunteer in Bangalore and once I moved to Hyderabad, we used to visit orphanages (from office) and I sponsored a child (thru CRY – Child Rights and You) and all that. During this time I met Ravi and we decided to get married. I told him I would like to continue my support to these children and thinking of sponsoring a girl child’s education. I am passionate about education, as I didn’t get to study in a good school (I had to study in Andhra University Campus in spite of getting a seat in a good business school). He said I could do whatever I want.
Obviously the decision to adopt couldn't have been 'a decision in sync', so who had this thought (to adopt) first and how did this other person go about bringing the other onto track (to adopt)?
Well, I still remember, the first day of our honeymoon in Naldehra, shimla. The moment we managed to come out (I remember we skipped the breakfast as we woke up very late) our room, we were just admiring the beautiful mountains and we asked some one at the resort what the old building on the hilltop is. He said it’s an orphanage and I immediately told my hubby if we could go there after lunch (both of us were starving). We bought lots and lots of biscuits and went as we weren’t sure what they would accept and we hardly got anything to take in that small town. We came back and he could see my happy face. After we came home from honeymoon, one night he suddenly said that he always longed to adopt. I was skeptical as he was hesitating to tell. I asked him how serious he was. He said if I agree he would love to do it ASAP. Then I told him he better not back out (I never expressed my desire till then) and I am very keen on it. That’s it. It’s unbelievable but that’s how we decided.
I asked Ravi why he wants to adopt. He said he just doesn’t have any particular reason. He was always involved in blue cross (he quit eating meat coz of that) and always wanted to make a difference. He knows his job never lets him participate in too many activities out side so he wanted to bring home some one. He loves children.
Tell us about how you handled both sides of your families’ response to your decision to adopt?
We first started with my mother as she is very modern in her thoughts and she appreciated us readily. Then it’s Ravi’s parents. We told them as soon as we decided together (within a month of our marriage) and they didn’t take us seriously. Now that our first child is going to be adopted, Ravi first told his dad. Then after 3-4 days we made both of them sit together and explained to them. They wanted the second child to be adopted as we might have a bio daughter and my father in law feels that it’s nice if we could have both genders at home. Else they weren’t particularly averse to the idea of adoption. We are skeptical about how it will turn out but things are slowly falling in place.
What kind of pre-adoption counseling have you had if you had any? Is there anything that you like to suggest for the prospective adoptive parents to do in this stage of adoption?
After I spoke to you I continued my search for a good adoption agency from Chennai and we came across a good lady by name Ms. Vidya Shankar (Relief Foundation - Chennai). Ravi and I got an appointment to meet her and I must say it was overwhelming. We were shaken as she gave us an insight into the difficulties and joys of bringing up an adopted child. We wanted to adopt a baby because we want to give home to a baby girl. She said yes, it s a nice feeling and it should stop there once we apply for adoption. From then on it is we becoming parents and how we should make the home a better place for our child from the time she enters till the day we die.
I am sure you have done your research to narrow the adoption agency, can you tell us how you went about narrowing down Latur agency?
The first agency I called up in Chennai said that they are not doing adoptions anymore, second agency told me that the waiting period is around 2 years for a baby girl. Some other agencies told me that I couldn’t adopt from Tamilnadu as we have been living here only for the past 2 years. I got panicked. That’s when I found out your website and it took me 2 days to read the entire website. We also contacted Andhra Pradesh Sishu Greh and there I got very warm response and were told that it will take anywhere between 12-18 months to bring the baby home. So I made my brother get an application form but before registering with them we just wanted to see if we can find out whether we can adopt from other states (you told us that we could and that gave us lot of confidence). That’s when we found Vidya Shankar and everything has fallen into place. Everything finished in 10days flat. Through Vidya Shankar and another friend of her we got the number and email address of CSA (Catalysts for Social Action) Then I got a response from CSA with in 2 days and that’s it. They referred me to an agency in Latur.
To be continued tomorrow....
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Guest column - Bharati Das Gupta
How do you choose the agencies to be a part of this project?
Children, waiting for homes is the only criterion.
What do the prospective adoptive parents need to do to adopt a child from Latur project?
A Prospective Adoptive Parent (PAP) must contact us preferably by email/ through our website. We will send them a set of documents consisting of, an overview note, the list of documents required to process the adoption and, our Registration form. The PAP must return the filled- in Registration form to us. On the basis of the child specifications indicated in the form, we will identify an agency where such a child is waiting, and assign the parent to that agency. Once we get the agency and the parent together, we like them to take on from there and deal directly with each other. We of course, pitch in, in case of difficulty. Our child data is updated every month.
Does it cost any money to adopt from Latur project?
Our services are free both, to the PAP and the agency. The agency is regulated by the fees prescribed by CARA. We do not come into the picture unless we hear of a wrong practice, if any.
What is the average length of wait for families to adopt from Latur Project?
3-6 months as of now. However, children are now fewer and unless we find ways and means of having more orphans move into the adoption stream, the ‘waiting time phenomenon’, could also, become a feature of these agencies. We have identified orphanages where there are children. If we get the required support and clearances from the respective State Governments, we should be able to start a virtual cycle. That is our end-objective - every child who needs a home and can find one, must go home; the rest must get a quality of care that is almost as good.
Are you working on any other project?
Yes, we work with Destitute Homes and Orphanages and assist them with their vocational training initiatives. Generally, we set up a Computer centre and provide the services of an instructor. We offer training in life-skills, job-oriented craft, basic literacy and health. We also, provide recreation-facilities.
Children, waiting for homes is the only criterion.
What do the prospective adoptive parents need to do to adopt a child from Latur project?
A Prospective Adoptive Parent (PAP) must contact us preferably by email/ through our website. We will send them a set of documents consisting of, an overview note, the list of documents required to process the adoption and, our Registration form. The PAP must return the filled- in Registration form to us. On the basis of the child specifications indicated in the form, we will identify an agency where such a child is waiting, and assign the parent to that agency. Once we get the agency and the parent together, we like them to take on from there and deal directly with each other. We of course, pitch in, in case of difficulty. Our child data is updated every month.
Does it cost any money to adopt from Latur project?
Our services are free both, to the PAP and the agency. The agency is regulated by the fees prescribed by CARA. We do not come into the picture unless we hear of a wrong practice, if any.
What is the average length of wait for families to adopt from Latur Project?
3-6 months as of now. However, children are now fewer and unless we find ways and means of having more orphans move into the adoption stream, the ‘waiting time phenomenon’, could also, become a feature of these agencies. We have identified orphanages where there are children. If we get the required support and clearances from the respective State Governments, we should be able to start a virtual cycle. That is our end-objective - every child who needs a home and can find one, must go home; the rest must get a quality of care that is almost as good.
Are you working on any other project?
Yes, we work with Destitute Homes and Orphanages and assist them with their vocational training initiatives. Generally, we set up a Computer centre and provide the services of an instructor. We offer training in life-skills, job-oriented craft, basic literacy and health. We also, provide recreation-facilities.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Guest column -Bharati Das Gupta
In today's guest column, Indi(AA)doption is featuring Ms. Bharati Das Gupta of Pune who promotes the message of adoption in India unselfishly. It will be featured in two days. She works for an organization called "Catalysts for Social Action (CSA).
Bharati, tell our readers a little about who Bharati Das Gupta is?
I am a Founder Member of CSA and, its Managing Trustee. I am also, the grandmother of 2 wonderful children aged 8 and 6, whom my daughter adopted. I was born and brought up in Mumbai, where I specialized (PG) in English Literature and then, in Organisation & Methods. I have been a professional having been attached to the Banking industry for more than a decade; I headed ‘Management Services’ in the Indian Banks’ Association. I moved out of a job and started my Consulting practice in Systems with focus on Human Resources. . I always thought that post-retirement, I would work on a social cause( I thought it would be animal welfare). However, 5 years ago, quite by accident, when the opportunity to start something on adoption came my way, I grabbed it. I now, spend most of my time with CSA. At home I read, look after 150 potted plants and spend time with my 2 wonderful cocker-spaniels. And of course, I watch a lot of NDTV/CNN-IBN and, Animal Planet. It’s a great life!
How and why did you personally became so passionate about adoption?
My daughter adopted in 2000. I was completely awed by the difference it made to their lives and, mine too! Over the years, I realized what a difference the adoption had made, to the lives of my grand children too. Uppermost in my mind was the thought, that so many more people could experience the same joys and in the process, so many children would grow into self-sufficient and complete individuals. My work with CSA also, exposed me to some orphanages and Destitute homes and it took me little to realize the tremendous gap in the quality of childcare between-adoption and institutionalized care. So, Adoption it is!
Tell us little about Latur project?
When we began work on adoption, we thought that all we had to do was to promote adoption i.e. tell people how wonderful it was! Soon we realized that in reality things were very different; there were just no children in the agencies and several parents were waiting -some for more than 2 years!! It amazed us to find that in a country with 12 million orphans, there were only about 3000 adoptions and yet there were no children! We just had to explore further. So we looked for other agencies- those on the outskirts of Pune and found this cluster of 7 agencies. A field study revealed that cumulatively, there were 121 children- girls, older children and siblings, in the cluster. And so Latur started.
How did you start getting involved in it?
Actually, Latur was not too difficult. The agencies had probably never received any attention and were happy to participate. They willingly gave us the child data. One of our first realizations was that 15 of the children in those agencies, were older children and could, as per the CARA guidelines and with the permission of the State Government, be transferred to the city agencies and placed abroad (those days Indian parents generally did not adopt older children). Equipped with statistics, we called on the then Commissioner, WCD, Government of Maharashtra- Mr. Ashwani Kumar (Bless him) who, issued transfer instructions for all the identified children. That was our first success.
For the remaining children, we approached the agencies and ACAs in Mumbai and Pune, for leads to waiting parents and drew a blank. Realising that we had to figure out a solution ourselves, we started our own promotional efforts-through outdoor hoardings, advertisements and media presence. The results were heart-warming! 34 adoptions (14 in the pipeline). We have now, moved to Orissa to replicate the experience. In Orissa we work with 9 agencies and have facilitated 18 placements (13 in the pipeline) already.
To be continued tomorrow.....
Bharati, tell our readers a little about who Bharati Das Gupta is?
I am a Founder Member of CSA and, its Managing Trustee. I am also, the grandmother of 2 wonderful children aged 8 and 6, whom my daughter adopted. I was born and brought up in Mumbai, where I specialized (PG) in English Literature and then, in Organisation & Methods. I have been a professional having been attached to the Banking industry for more than a decade; I headed ‘Management Services’ in the Indian Banks’ Association. I moved out of a job and started my Consulting practice in Systems with focus on Human Resources. . I always thought that post-retirement, I would work on a social cause( I thought it would be animal welfare). However, 5 years ago, quite by accident, when the opportunity to start something on adoption came my way, I grabbed it. I now, spend most of my time with CSA. At home I read, look after 150 potted plants and spend time with my 2 wonderful cocker-spaniels. And of course, I watch a lot of NDTV/CNN-IBN and, Animal Planet. It’s a great life!
How and why did you personally became so passionate about adoption?
My daughter adopted in 2000. I was completely awed by the difference it made to their lives and, mine too! Over the years, I realized what a difference the adoption had made, to the lives of my grand children too. Uppermost in my mind was the thought, that so many more people could experience the same joys and in the process, so many children would grow into self-sufficient and complete individuals. My work with CSA also, exposed me to some orphanages and Destitute homes and it took me little to realize the tremendous gap in the quality of childcare between-adoption and institutionalized care. So, Adoption it is!
Tell us little about Latur project?
When we began work on adoption, we thought that all we had to do was to promote adoption i.e. tell people how wonderful it was! Soon we realized that in reality things were very different; there were just no children in the agencies and several parents were waiting -some for more than 2 years!! It amazed us to find that in a country with 12 million orphans, there were only about 3000 adoptions and yet there were no children! We just had to explore further. So we looked for other agencies- those on the outskirts of Pune and found this cluster of 7 agencies. A field study revealed that cumulatively, there were 121 children- girls, older children and siblings, in the cluster. And so Latur started.
How did you start getting involved in it?
Actually, Latur was not too difficult. The agencies had probably never received any attention and were happy to participate. They willingly gave us the child data. One of our first realizations was that 15 of the children in those agencies, were older children and could, as per the CARA guidelines and with the permission of the State Government, be transferred to the city agencies and placed abroad (those days Indian parents generally did not adopt older children). Equipped with statistics, we called on the then Commissioner, WCD, Government of Maharashtra- Mr. Ashwani Kumar (Bless him) who, issued transfer instructions for all the identified children. That was our first success.
For the remaining children, we approached the agencies and ACAs in Mumbai and Pune, for leads to waiting parents and drew a blank. Realising that we had to figure out a solution ourselves, we started our own promotional efforts-through outdoor hoardings, advertisements and media presence. The results were heart-warming! 34 adoptions (14 in the pipeline). We have now, moved to Orissa to replicate the experience. In Orissa we work with 9 agencies and have facilitated 18 placements (13 in the pipeline) already.
To be continued tomorrow.....
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Guest column - CARA Dy. Director
As part of our ‘Guest Column’ series, Indi(AA)doption has reached Deputy Director of CARA Dr. Jagannath Pati. Most of the questions asked are done so with the future of adoptions in mind and so you find them being general in nature specific to adoption.
Here are the questions and Dr. Jagannath Pati’s answers:
What is one important change that you would expect to see in ICPS (Integrated Child Protection Scheme) as far as adoptions are concerned compared to the current adoption guidelines?
I expect more children to be in the adoption loop.
When should adoptive parents expect ICPS to be implemented and what precautions to be followed by those families that are already in the process?
The Ministry is preparing the cabinet note for ICPS and broadly there will be no change of the adoption procedure.
Under ICPS, what kind of changes to be expected in Shishu Greh scheme?
There will be child protection service at the district level so that there can be close monitoring of the activities of various agencies and authorities. The system will be improved.
What are the new initiatives that the government of India is undertaking to promote domestic adoptions in India?
ICPS, new Guideliones, online database and strengthening of CARA etc.
Considering the fewer number of children available for adoption being reported from many parts of India, when do you think Indians will start doing inter-country adoptions?
We have several gaps in the adoption system now. Both incountry and intercountry adoptions will increase after ICPS and online data( being fine tuned). We have 20 percent data on the national portal from our RIPAs. We want to make it 100 percent before 1.1.2009.
How do you personally envision the scene of adoption be in the year 2020?
We cannot predict the scene by 2020 right now.
Here are the questions and Dr. Jagannath Pati’s answers:
What is one important change that you would expect to see in ICPS (Integrated Child Protection Scheme) as far as adoptions are concerned compared to the current adoption guidelines?
I expect more children to be in the adoption loop.
When should adoptive parents expect ICPS to be implemented and what precautions to be followed by those families that are already in the process?
The Ministry is preparing the cabinet note for ICPS and broadly there will be no change of the adoption procedure.
Under ICPS, what kind of changes to be expected in Shishu Greh scheme?
There will be child protection service at the district level so that there can be close monitoring of the activities of various agencies and authorities. The system will be improved.
What are the new initiatives that the government of India is undertaking to promote domestic adoptions in India?
ICPS, new Guideliones, online database and strengthening of CARA etc.
Considering the fewer number of children available for adoption being reported from many parts of India, when do you think Indians will start doing inter-country adoptions?
We have several gaps in the adoption system now. Both incountry and intercountry adoptions will increase after ICPS and online data( being fine tuned). We have 20 percent data on the national portal from our RIPAs. We want to make it 100 percent before 1.1.2009.
How do you personally envision the scene of adoption be in the year 2020?
We cannot predict the scene by 2020 right now.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Guest column - Chris Futia
What is your advice to any adoptive family or an adoptee that may be looking for any advice from you on birth family search?
I have heard of successful searches, but in those cases the children were usually older at adoption or the adoptive parents had documents identifying names or villages upon which searches could be focused.
I would advise parents who have almost nothing that they are highly unlikely to be successful, although spending 3 months in India following every lead personally could yield success. The “birthsearch” profession has not yet started up in India as it has in places like Guatemala, although once again it is difficult to search without a place to start.
I think one important thing to realize is that if a birthfamily connection is made, it will be a permanent one, and not without its challenges. Of course, the birthmother may wish to remain anonymous to begin with, but even if contact is established, the relationship can be problematical. There is such a huge gap in education, health, expectations, economic status, etc. True understanding and the formation of meaningful and enduring bonds can take many years.
You organize heritage tours for adoptive families in the US to visit India, tell us how you go about organizing such tours and what are the outcomes? Tell our readers also how they can get in touch with you if they ever want to be a part of your heritage tours.
I began by taking my own children to India, and then discovered that it was much more fun to go with another adoptive mom and her child, so we would each have a “friend” to share things with. From there, I was persuaded by friends to actually lead a tour. My first tour was in 2002, and I have done one every two years since then. I have truly had to learn as I go, but I have a wonderful travel agent here in the US and I discovered a first-rate agent in India on the internet through a lengthy search some years ago. He was one of the first to work with clients outside India, and since that time, he has arranged all my tours and trips to India for countless friends. So having good people to help makes a big difference.
It takes about a year’s work for me to organize a tour. When you have 20 people to worry about, you have to choreograph every single toilet break. You have to plan every aspect of every day and ensure that all arrangements are properly made. You have to estimate costs, sign contracts, collect money, and pay bills. You have to give detailed advice on myriads of topics, from how to use an Indian toilet to what anti-malaria medication to take. You have to prepare your travelers so that they know what to expect and can begin enjoying themselves from the first day.
Fortunately, God has gifted me with an overabundance of organizational skills, and I always felt that it would be a waste to use them all to “build shareholder value” for my company. Leading the tours makes me feel that my life means something, that I have done something that perhaps few others could do. And it gives me great joy to share “my” India with other American families and their adopted children. My goal is that everyone should feel sad when it is time to leave, and I have achieved it on every tour to date.
Your outlook and understanding on adoption from India in general seem to have changed over the period of few years, how did that happen?
My outlook and understanding on adoption is a constantly-moving target, though at any one time I am quite vociferous about my opinions! For a long time, I felt that it was absolutely wrong to try to find a birthmother in India, for fear of turning her life upside down so that she might lose her home and children. Then I began to hear that even the most reluctant birthmothers eventually decided to meet their children and continue contact with them. Their extended families were much more understanding than anyone had expected.
As far as adoption corruption is concerned, I think we were all very naïve back in the ‘80s and ‘90s. We saw our orphanages and adoption agencies as saintly organizations that nobly saved children’s lives. Now I know enough about my children’s own adoptions, and the adoptions of many other children, to understand that the corruption that is rife in Indian society is not absent from the world of adoption. Money changes hands, identities are “whitewashed”, and while in the end the child may grow up with a better life, it is also important that they know that their “story” (whatever it may be) probably has some elements of a fairytale.
I now know that some children are stolen, or purchased under duress. Many parents have sent their children to orphanages so they could get an education, yet when they returned their child had been sent to Europe or the US for adoption. I know that some orphanages have essentially “sold” children to the highest bidder. The US agencies have claimed to be completely ignorant of all of this, but this seems very disingenuous to me. They have really not stood up to answer the questions that have been brought to them about what they knew and when they came to know it.
It is impossible to say what percentage of inter-country adoptions from India are “dirty” in some way, but 10 years ago, I would have said 10%. Now I would go much higher. Today, many US agencies still charge more than the CARA-approved fees for adopting a child from India. The additional funds are called “humanitarian aid”, but no reckoning is made of where this aid goes and what is done with it. I suspect that in many cases, it is simply a payment to keep the pipeline open between the US and India so that the agency can remain solvent.
In India itself, more children are placed with families “under the table” than through legitimate adoption agencies. The number of children going to other countries has diminished year by year. So there are long waiting lists to adopt children all over India. And still, millions of female babies go “missing” every year. It is all a big puzzle and I do expect that my views will continue to change.
What is your message in general to any PAP’s and adoptive families?
I am no more qualified than most adoptive parents to offer advice. We all have unique experiences and perspectives. But I will definitely share one of my favorite metaphors. My children came to me as tiny infants. So, they were little sprouts, with only two tiny leaves on a miniscule stem. We transplanted them, fertilized them, made sure they had enough water and sunlight, and tied them gently to a “stake” to make sure that they grew up straight. But they are still the plants that they were meant to be. We have to accept that many traits are highly dominated by nature rather than nurture.
To me, this means that we must not allow ourselves to be in denial if our children have issues requiring extra help and understanding. When a child has, for instance, physical, emotional or neurological issues, the earlier that help is provided, the better the outcome for the child. The only other comment I can offer is that no one can really predict based on referral information what type of child they are adopting. Our third child was officially labeled as “special needs” because he had mildly malformed feet. But, as mentioned earlier, he is actually developmentally disabled and severely mentally ill. The problem with his feet became a nonentity very quickly.
Adoption is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you are going to get, but these are YOUR chocolates and it is up to you to make the most of what you have. It is best to go into adoption with your eyes wide open and a minimum of “must have” expectations.
'Guest column - Chris Futia' is concluded.
Please write your comments in the 'comments' section below.
CARA official will be featured tomorrow in 'Guest Column'.
I have heard of successful searches, but in those cases the children were usually older at adoption or the adoptive parents had documents identifying names or villages upon which searches could be focused.
I would advise parents who have almost nothing that they are highly unlikely to be successful, although spending 3 months in India following every lead personally could yield success. The “birthsearch” profession has not yet started up in India as it has in places like Guatemala, although once again it is difficult to search without a place to start.
I think one important thing to realize is that if a birthfamily connection is made, it will be a permanent one, and not without its challenges. Of course, the birthmother may wish to remain anonymous to begin with, but even if contact is established, the relationship can be problematical. There is such a huge gap in education, health, expectations, economic status, etc. True understanding and the formation of meaningful and enduring bonds can take many years.
You organize heritage tours for adoptive families in the US to visit India, tell us how you go about organizing such tours and what are the outcomes? Tell our readers also how they can get in touch with you if they ever want to be a part of your heritage tours.
I began by taking my own children to India, and then discovered that it was much more fun to go with another adoptive mom and her child, so we would each have a “friend” to share things with. From there, I was persuaded by friends to actually lead a tour. My first tour was in 2002, and I have done one every two years since then. I have truly had to learn as I go, but I have a wonderful travel agent here in the US and I discovered a first-rate agent in India on the internet through a lengthy search some years ago. He was one of the first to work with clients outside India, and since that time, he has arranged all my tours and trips to India for countless friends. So having good people to help makes a big difference.
It takes about a year’s work for me to organize a tour. When you have 20 people to worry about, you have to choreograph every single toilet break. You have to plan every aspect of every day and ensure that all arrangements are properly made. You have to estimate costs, sign contracts, collect money, and pay bills. You have to give detailed advice on myriads of topics, from how to use an Indian toilet to what anti-malaria medication to take. You have to prepare your travelers so that they know what to expect and can begin enjoying themselves from the first day.
Fortunately, God has gifted me with an overabundance of organizational skills, and I always felt that it would be a waste to use them all to “build shareholder value” for my company. Leading the tours makes me feel that my life means something, that I have done something that perhaps few others could do. And it gives me great joy to share “my” India with other American families and their adopted children. My goal is that everyone should feel sad when it is time to leave, and I have achieved it on every tour to date.
Your outlook and understanding on adoption from India in general seem to have changed over the period of few years, how did that happen?
My outlook and understanding on adoption is a constantly-moving target, though at any one time I am quite vociferous about my opinions! For a long time, I felt that it was absolutely wrong to try to find a birthmother in India, for fear of turning her life upside down so that she might lose her home and children. Then I began to hear that even the most reluctant birthmothers eventually decided to meet their children and continue contact with them. Their extended families were much more understanding than anyone had expected.
As far as adoption corruption is concerned, I think we were all very naïve back in the ‘80s and ‘90s. We saw our orphanages and adoption agencies as saintly organizations that nobly saved children’s lives. Now I know enough about my children’s own adoptions, and the adoptions of many other children, to understand that the corruption that is rife in Indian society is not absent from the world of adoption. Money changes hands, identities are “whitewashed”, and while in the end the child may grow up with a better life, it is also important that they know that their “story” (whatever it may be) probably has some elements of a fairytale.
I now know that some children are stolen, or purchased under duress. Many parents have sent their children to orphanages so they could get an education, yet when they returned their child had been sent to Europe or the US for adoption. I know that some orphanages have essentially “sold” children to the highest bidder. The US agencies have claimed to be completely ignorant of all of this, but this seems very disingenuous to me. They have really not stood up to answer the questions that have been brought to them about what they knew and when they came to know it.
It is impossible to say what percentage of inter-country adoptions from India are “dirty” in some way, but 10 years ago, I would have said 10%. Now I would go much higher. Today, many US agencies still charge more than the CARA-approved fees for adopting a child from India. The additional funds are called “humanitarian aid”, but no reckoning is made of where this aid goes and what is done with it. I suspect that in many cases, it is simply a payment to keep the pipeline open between the US and India so that the agency can remain solvent.
In India itself, more children are placed with families “under the table” than through legitimate adoption agencies. The number of children going to other countries has diminished year by year. So there are long waiting lists to adopt children all over India. And still, millions of female babies go “missing” every year. It is all a big puzzle and I do expect that my views will continue to change.
What is your message in general to any PAP’s and adoptive families?
I am no more qualified than most adoptive parents to offer advice. We all have unique experiences and perspectives. But I will definitely share one of my favorite metaphors. My children came to me as tiny infants. So, they were little sprouts, with only two tiny leaves on a miniscule stem. We transplanted them, fertilized them, made sure they had enough water and sunlight, and tied them gently to a “stake” to make sure that they grew up straight. But they are still the plants that they were meant to be. We have to accept that many traits are highly dominated by nature rather than nurture.
To me, this means that we must not allow ourselves to be in denial if our children have issues requiring extra help and understanding. When a child has, for instance, physical, emotional or neurological issues, the earlier that help is provided, the better the outcome for the child. The only other comment I can offer is that no one can really predict based on referral information what type of child they are adopting. Our third child was officially labeled as “special needs” because he had mildly malformed feet. But, as mentioned earlier, he is actually developmentally disabled and severely mentally ill. The problem with his feet became a nonentity very quickly.
Adoption is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you are going to get, but these are YOUR chocolates and it is up to you to make the most of what you have. It is best to go into adoption with your eyes wide open and a minimum of “must have” expectations.
'Guest column - Chris Futia' is concluded.
Please write your comments in the 'comments' section below.
CARA official will be featured tomorrow in 'Guest Column'.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Guest Column - Chris Futia
I know you have strong connections in India, could you tell us how you developed them?
In 1973, when I was 16, I flew all by myself from Utica, NY to Mangalore, Mysore (as it was called then). I lived in a small town near Udupi as a Rotary International Exchange Student. I had 2 teenage brothers and 1 sister at home, and we had score of cousins and aunties and uncles.
At that time, there was of course no email, you couldn’t call the U.S. from our village, letters took 2 weeks to arrive, and cables took 3 days. I was completely cut off from home, and was terribly homesick a great deal of the time. It took me a long time to adjust to the food and the customs, but my Indian parents were very patient with me, and my siblings and cousins always kept me busy and laughing. We saw lots of Bollywood movies (often the same one thrice in a week) and had so many different family affairs to attend. We also lived very close to the Arabian Sea and had a small beach hut, so I was able to enjoy many beautiful sunsets there.
To be honest, it was hard for me to believe in 1973 that a small village in south India and my hometown in America could exist at the same time on the same planet. I felt a little bit like Dorothy in Oz, wondering if I would ever go home again. And once I did go home, I put India behind me for many years, attending Princeton for my Bachelor’s Degree and Oxford for my Master’s Degree before starting a long career in business.
Eventually, I reconnected with my Indian family and came to love them very deeply. The “strictness” that had rankled so much as a teenager was no longer an issue, and I understood their world view much better, as they understood mine. My daddy was a very special man who gave me his love and opened my heart to the possibility of adopting children from India. He liked to say, “All of my children have given me beautiful Indian grandchildren. Even my American daughter has given!” Daddy was also a businessman and a philanthropist who worked hard every day to improve the lot of his extended family while also founding countless hospitals, orphanages, colleges, etc. It was very sad when he passed away three years ago.
Mummy was Daddy’s helpmate in every was and she was the one who wore the “big keys” tied to her sari. She was very intelligent and had a great deal of self-discipline, as well as a very strong personality. During the past 10 years, I came to know her very intimately, and when she died only 3 weeks ago I was bereft. But she and I always believed that we were probably together in a past life and would quite likely be together again, so I am consoled by the thought that the wheel of life keeps turning and nothing is ever “over”.
Of course, I now have my siblings and their children and their children’s children in my life, and what is most beautiful is that they have “adopted” my children as part of their family as well. For children like mine who lost all their biological roots in India, it is an immeasurable gift to have Indian grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, etc. To be loved like a family member is something they really cherish.
I know you had helped your daughter to search for her birth family, how did it go?
Like most adopted children, my daughter had only the slimmest thread of information to go on. I used the internet very creatively to engage authorities in Kolkata and West Bengal in the search, and they did the best they could with the little information I had. Eventually, just a week ago, we did have a breakthrough and were able to speak with the nurse who was on duty when Annie’s birthmother had delivered her and later the same day when she absconded. We learned that the district court officials conducted a 9 months investigation involving all the police in all the towns around the area where Annie was found, as well as all the local Panchayats. But no one was ever able to trace Annie’s birthmother, so the nurse gave her the name Banchita, which means “unknown one” in the local dialect.
It was very sad to have to tell Annie that we had gone as far as we could go with the search. Since the address given by the birthmother was false, we could not trust that the name or other information she gave was true either. For years, we had a name we believed was the name of Annie’s birthmother. Now we will never know. The morning after we spoke with the nurse, Annie said to me, sadly, “Mom, now I’ve lost everything I ever had.” I reminded her that truth is always better than stories or lies, and that she now knows someone in Bengal who has invited her to come and visit. This is the person who gave her her first name. It is far too little, but it is more than we have for our boys. Indian infant adoptions, at least those done in the ‘80s and ‘90s, usually offer scant hope of a successful search and reunion.
What is your advice to any adoptive family or an adoptee that may be looking for any advice from you on birth family search?
To be continued tomorrow....
In 1973, when I was 16, I flew all by myself from Utica, NY to Mangalore, Mysore (as it was called then). I lived in a small town near Udupi as a Rotary International Exchange Student. I had 2 teenage brothers and 1 sister at home, and we had score of cousins and aunties and uncles.
At that time, there was of course no email, you couldn’t call the U.S. from our village, letters took 2 weeks to arrive, and cables took 3 days. I was completely cut off from home, and was terribly homesick a great deal of the time. It took me a long time to adjust to the food and the customs, but my Indian parents were very patient with me, and my siblings and cousins always kept me busy and laughing. We saw lots of Bollywood movies (often the same one thrice in a week) and had so many different family affairs to attend. We also lived very close to the Arabian Sea and had a small beach hut, so I was able to enjoy many beautiful sunsets there.
To be honest, it was hard for me to believe in 1973 that a small village in south India and my hometown in America could exist at the same time on the same planet. I felt a little bit like Dorothy in Oz, wondering if I would ever go home again. And once I did go home, I put India behind me for many years, attending Princeton for my Bachelor’s Degree and Oxford for my Master’s Degree before starting a long career in business.
Eventually, I reconnected with my Indian family and came to love them very deeply. The “strictness” that had rankled so much as a teenager was no longer an issue, and I understood their world view much better, as they understood mine. My daddy was a very special man who gave me his love and opened my heart to the possibility of adopting children from India. He liked to say, “All of my children have given me beautiful Indian grandchildren. Even my American daughter has given!” Daddy was also a businessman and a philanthropist who worked hard every day to improve the lot of his extended family while also founding countless hospitals, orphanages, colleges, etc. It was very sad when he passed away three years ago.
Mummy was Daddy’s helpmate in every was and she was the one who wore the “big keys” tied to her sari. She was very intelligent and had a great deal of self-discipline, as well as a very strong personality. During the past 10 years, I came to know her very intimately, and when she died only 3 weeks ago I was bereft. But she and I always believed that we were probably together in a past life and would quite likely be together again, so I am consoled by the thought that the wheel of life keeps turning and nothing is ever “over”.
Of course, I now have my siblings and their children and their children’s children in my life, and what is most beautiful is that they have “adopted” my children as part of their family as well. For children like mine who lost all their biological roots in India, it is an immeasurable gift to have Indian grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins, etc. To be loved like a family member is something they really cherish.
I know you had helped your daughter to search for her birth family, how did it go?
Like most adopted children, my daughter had only the slimmest thread of information to go on. I used the internet very creatively to engage authorities in Kolkata and West Bengal in the search, and they did the best they could with the little information I had. Eventually, just a week ago, we did have a breakthrough and were able to speak with the nurse who was on duty when Annie’s birthmother had delivered her and later the same day when she absconded. We learned that the district court officials conducted a 9 months investigation involving all the police in all the towns around the area where Annie was found, as well as all the local Panchayats. But no one was ever able to trace Annie’s birthmother, so the nurse gave her the name Banchita, which means “unknown one” in the local dialect.
It was very sad to have to tell Annie that we had gone as far as we could go with the search. Since the address given by the birthmother was false, we could not trust that the name or other information she gave was true either. For years, we had a name we believed was the name of Annie’s birthmother. Now we will never know. The morning after we spoke with the nurse, Annie said to me, sadly, “Mom, now I’ve lost everything I ever had.” I reminded her that truth is always better than stories or lies, and that she now knows someone in Bengal who has invited her to come and visit. This is the person who gave her her first name. It is far too little, but it is more than we have for our boys. Indian infant adoptions, at least those done in the ‘80s and ‘90s, usually offer scant hope of a successful search and reunion.
What is your advice to any adoptive family or an adoptee that may be looking for any advice from you on birth family search?
To be continued tomorrow....
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Starting a new column from today - "Guest Column"
Indi(AA)tion is starting a new column from today. It is called “Guest Column” where we feature different people (adoptive families, professionals, adoptees, government workers and agencies etc) involved in the field of adoption. On this debut edition, we are featuring ‘Futia’ family which did a birth family search recently. We hope you like this column as much as we like putting it together for you. Please do drop in your comments in the comments section.
Who is Chris Futia?
I am an adoptive parent of 3 children who were born in Kolkata, India and came home as high-risk infants due to prematurity, IUGR and low birthweight. Like most parents, however, I expected that the risks associated with these issues would happen to other people, not us, so I quite expected “perfect” children. (And, in many ways, they are … just not in the ways that many high-functioning biological parents would acknowledge). Our children are now 21, 18 and 13. I have spent the last 20 years engaged in adoption-related volunteer work in nearly all of my spare time. It’s funny – though we wanted a biological child more than anything at one time, when I adopted my first child I felt honored to join a special “club” made up of people like us who knew that becoming a parent is a true privilege. That is a feeling that will never change.
Can you tell us about your children and their arrival in to your home?
Leo Rajan (now 21) came to us from Kolkata at age 4 months weighing 8 lbs 2 oz. He was 8-10 weeks premature and had survived an illegal 2nd-trimester abortion. Leo had many developmental delays and differences, but he was clearly bright. Eventually we learned a great deal about his neurological issues and were able to get him the right mix of medication and services to help him be a success in life. He is about to finish college now (after being a special education student all through high school) and he hopes to become a flight attendant in the future.
Anne Shanti (now 18) came to us from Kolkata at age 13 months weighing 12 pounds. We know little about her origins, except that she is clearly tribal, specifically Shanthali. She was born in southern Bengal near the Orissa border. At one month of age, she was found near death in a primary rural health clinic and brought to a Kolkata orphanage. Her life was saved, and her developmental delays eased enough with lots of special services that she was able to join a regular kindergarten class at age 5. Annie is a slow learner and a poor reader, but she is a hard worker and very organized. She is about to start college now and hopes to become a nurse. She just won a scholarship that completely covers her first two years of college, including her books. We are very proud of her.
Peter Ramesh (now 13) came to us from Kolkata at age 6 months weighing 10 lbs 3 oz. He was 3 lbs 11 oz at birth and was severely IUGR (small for gestational age). He was fairly healthy in the orphanage but after coming home he had severe respiratory and digestive problems and was declared “failure to thrive”. We were just able to keep him from having a feeding tube by feeding him a diet extremely dense in calories. Peter also was a very irritable child, with constant mood swings. Some of the time, he was very easy and loveable, but at other times he was like an animal with a fly buzzing around its head. When he was 6, we realized that he had acute early-onset bipolar disorder. He has been taking medication ever since then, and he is one of the lucky ones – his symptoms are greatly reduced now. However, once he was stabilized, we were finally able to test his cognitive abilities, and learned that he is also developmentally disabled. He will probably never be independent, and so we will have to find a way to provide for his care and well-being after we are gone. We had no idea that Peter would have these issues, and they have had a big impact on our family life, but we love him dearly, and most of all, he is ours.
The three children are tightly bonded and it is a great comfort to them to have each other. People sometimes ask me, “Are they REALLY brothers and sister?” And I reply, “Well, they fight constantly in the back of the car, so I guess they must be”
I know you have strong connections in India, could you tell us how you developed them?
To be continued tomorrow....
Who is Chris Futia?
I am an adoptive parent of 3 children who were born in Kolkata, India and came home as high-risk infants due to prematurity, IUGR and low birthweight. Like most parents, however, I expected that the risks associated with these issues would happen to other people, not us, so I quite expected “perfect” children. (And, in many ways, they are … just not in the ways that many high-functioning biological parents would acknowledge). Our children are now 21, 18 and 13. I have spent the last 20 years engaged in adoption-related volunteer work in nearly all of my spare time. It’s funny – though we wanted a biological child more than anything at one time, when I adopted my first child I felt honored to join a special “club” made up of people like us who knew that becoming a parent is a true privilege. That is a feeling that will never change.
Can you tell us about your children and their arrival in to your home?
Leo Rajan (now 21) came to us from Kolkata at age 4 months weighing 8 lbs 2 oz. He was 8-10 weeks premature and had survived an illegal 2nd-trimester abortion. Leo had many developmental delays and differences, but he was clearly bright. Eventually we learned a great deal about his neurological issues and were able to get him the right mix of medication and services to help him be a success in life. He is about to finish college now (after being a special education student all through high school) and he hopes to become a flight attendant in the future.
Anne Shanti (now 18) came to us from Kolkata at age 13 months weighing 12 pounds. We know little about her origins, except that she is clearly tribal, specifically Shanthali. She was born in southern Bengal near the Orissa border. At one month of age, she was found near death in a primary rural health clinic and brought to a Kolkata orphanage. Her life was saved, and her developmental delays eased enough with lots of special services that she was able to join a regular kindergarten class at age 5. Annie is a slow learner and a poor reader, but she is a hard worker and very organized. She is about to start college now and hopes to become a nurse. She just won a scholarship that completely covers her first two years of college, including her books. We are very proud of her.
Peter Ramesh (now 13) came to us from Kolkata at age 6 months weighing 10 lbs 3 oz. He was 3 lbs 11 oz at birth and was severely IUGR (small for gestational age). He was fairly healthy in the orphanage but after coming home he had severe respiratory and digestive problems and was declared “failure to thrive”. We were just able to keep him from having a feeding tube by feeding him a diet extremely dense in calories. Peter also was a very irritable child, with constant mood swings. Some of the time, he was very easy and loveable, but at other times he was like an animal with a fly buzzing around its head. When he was 6, we realized that he had acute early-onset bipolar disorder. He has been taking medication ever since then, and he is one of the lucky ones – his symptoms are greatly reduced now. However, once he was stabilized, we were finally able to test his cognitive abilities, and learned that he is also developmentally disabled. He will probably never be independent, and so we will have to find a way to provide for his care and well-being after we are gone. We had no idea that Peter would have these issues, and they have had a big impact on our family life, but we love him dearly, and most of all, he is ours.
The three children are tightly bonded and it is a great comfort to them to have each other. People sometimes ask me, “Are they REALLY brothers and sister?” And I reply, “Well, they fight constantly in the back of the car, so I guess they must be”
I know you have strong connections in India, could you tell us how you developed them?
To be continued tomorrow....
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