Playing Lily’s chess

I had been teaching Lydia to play chess. Lydia is 8 years old and she can play fairly well now. Only problem is that she wants me to play with her all the time. She waits for me to play just before she goes to bed and as soon as she wakes up from the bed.

Today morning, I was checking my e-mails and she came and asked me to play so I asked her to set the board. She set it up and went to the bathroom. Here comes Lily (my almost six year old but going sixteen) and sits in the opponents chair and asked me “Daddy what color do you want to play”? I asked her “Do you know to play” (I know very well she doesn’t) and came the confident reply “YES”

Recently I read in a book that children do not have an extensive vocabulary to express verbally what they have in their hearts so as adults we need to look at their facial expressions, excitement to do something and body language etc to understand what they are saying. That thought being fresh in my mind, I decided not to disappoint my little lily so I agreed to play.

In Lily’s game of chess everything moves only forward. I decided to play Lily’s game of chess. She began to cut my coins and I couldn’t believe the excitement she had to see daddy losing the game. She went on and on and at one point she said “Daddy you don’t have any brains in your head” and I nodded in agreement.

Then comes the Chess queen Lydia. Seeing us play the kind of chess we were playing, she said “Daddy, are you teaching her wrong chess”? I showed her with my eyes to be quiet to let Lily win. Then Lily looked at Lydia and said “Akka (big sister), what do you think? I am winning and daddy is losing”. Lydia couldn’t disagree with her more but decided to play along and then Lily won by cutting my king. She got a kick out to see Daddy cry for losing.

You like this write up? Leave your comments and write to me at indiahopehouse@gmail.com

This above information is made available to you by the HOPE House - a registered charitable trust that cares for orphan, semi-orphan and disadvantaged girls in Vellore, India. Would you like to financially support us? Click here to learn more

Blog-Older Child Adoption

If you have adopted an older child (age 5 and up) or are thinking of doing so, there is someone starting a new blog that may be helpful to you.

There is hope with this blog to connect AP parents and PAP. The goal is to present realistic experiences of families with older adopted children. There will be some resources and stories for you to check out and add to. This blogspot is hoping people will share what helped in their journey of the adoption, Ex. Specific resources-books,websites,blogs, etc. The blog will represent children and families from all over the world and if it makes families more comfortable they can share under an alias. Here is the link to check it out: www.adoptingolderkids.blogspot.com I think this is a great idea for support to each other along with helping PAP’s make an informed decision about the older child that they desire to bring home. If you desire to participate in the blog you can contact Kerri at:
adoptingolderkids@gmail.com

Guest column - Rolling's family (Birth family search) - Part II

What is the status of your relationship with the birth family now?

We continue to be in close communication with our children's birth mother (her husband died recently) and we will be traveling to visit the family again in two months time. We have booked accommodation that allows us to spend several days living together with our children's first mother and their little brothers and sisters.

Our relationship with our family in India is of utmost importance to all of us, and we will ensure it continues. Our children feel loved and supported by both their families, and it has been an incredibly enriching relationship for everyone.

Akil and kids

What challenges do you (as an adoptive mother) see now as "Challenges after a successful birth family search"?

One of the challenges is that it is very easy to focus on the "reunion" in the same was as it is easy to concentrate on the moment of bringing home your child when you are adopting. In both cases, however, it is just the start of a new journey in life. Our children's reunion with their first mother has been the start of a whole new way of looking at our family, as we all now feel very strongly that our children's Indian family is a part of our family.

This has also affected our other children, both biological and adopted. We have not been able to offer the opportunity for a reunion, or even any more information, for our sons who were adopted from Nagpur. We have had to remain conscious of the reactions and emotions of our other children to our youngest children's reunion. They have all been very positive, even though we are unable to provide them with the same opportunities. I believe that the warm relationship we have had with our family in India is due to the goodwill on the part of both of our families, and also to the invaluable assistance of my friend who continues to act as a linguistic and cultural mediator. Without her help this would not have been possible.

Akil plays big brother

What is your advice to any adoptive family that may be insecure about birth family search?

I would encourage other adoptive parents to be confident in their parenting and not to be worried at all about losing their child's affection to their birth parents. Love does not come in finite quantities. Bringing more children into our family has not diminished my love for all my children. In a similar way, my children's love for me and my husband has not been lessened at all by them also loving another mother. I believe the key factor is that neither Sunama nor me feel a need for our children to love us exclusively, and neither of us is jealous of the other. I expected that I would feel jealous when I saw my children in the arms of their birth mother but it simply didn't happen. We had the choice of having the children pulled between their birth and adoptive families, or having them loved and nurtured by both families supporting each other.

Julia and little Zeenath

Would you be interested to be a resource person to any reader that might like to communicate with you over an email?

Yes, I would be happy to chat with parents who would like to explore this further. I am visiting Chennai in the November so may be there could be an opportunity to get together to discuss our experiences with other adoptive families. (Please write to indiahopehouse@gmail.com to get Julia’s email address.)

The following are comments offered by Julia’s two children...

"Everything was good about our reunion. I was nervous at first to see my family in India but then I felt happy when we spent time with them. They are part of our family. I love my two families the same because they are both part of my life." Sabila, aged 13 years old.

"I feel happy to be in touch with them and I hope we are able to spend more time with them. They are really nice people and I enjoy spending time with them. I love the family I live with now the most because I've spent most of my life with this family but I still care about my family in India a lot." Akil, 15 years old.

Julia had authored a book titled “Love Our Way” and it can be viewed at this link

Guest Column - Rolling's family (Birth family search)

Meet an Australian family that has eight kids (two bio and six adoptive) out of which four are from India. Rollings have adopted two brothers from Nagpur in 1995 and a brother & a sister from Chennai in 1998. Other two kids are adopted from Korea and Taiwan. Rollings had helped the siblings from Chennai to search for their birth family.

Rolling's family

Why did your family decide to search for the birth family? What is the background of the decision you've made?

We decided to actively search for our youngest children's birth family following news that the director of our children's former adoption agency in India had been arrested in early 2006. We had asked that agency for more information and possible contact with our children's first parents several months before this occurred, but the news of the arrest certainly spurred us along. We felt we needed to verify that our children's history was as we had been told, and that their Indian family had not been exploited in the adoption process.

Babu, Sunama and their seven children

What was your children's role in this decision to pursue birth family search?

Our children's attitudes were crucial to our decision. Both of our children were asking for reassurance that their birth parents were well and were happy. Our daughter also wanted to meet her birth parents, particularly her first mother, Sunama, while our son wanted to know about their welfare but was not as eager as his sister to have contact. As our children are biological siblings, we had to take into consideration whether they were both ready for us to search on their behalf. Our daughter was definitely the stronger in this desire but our son was also agreeable.

Sunama and Sabi

How did you all undertake the process to search?

We already had much of the information we needed: our children's birth names, the first names of their Indian parents (these were listed on their Indian passports), and the name of the town they were born in (also on their passports). Although they had been adopted from a Chennai agency, they had been born in a much smaller town a few hours out of Chennai and that made searching much easier. I had a trusted friend in India who we asked to do an investigation on our behalf. They took a fact-finding trip to our children's former neighborhood, where locals immediately recalled the family and gave contact details for the relatives.

Akil and Sabi

If there's one thing that made your search process easier, what would it be and why?

The crucial factor to our search was having a trusted person who was able to act as a mediator, both during the search process but, even more importantly, through our continuing relationship with our children's first family. We needed someone to act as a go-between for practical reasons, in particular our inability to speak a common language as our children's birth family, but also because we needed to protect our minor children until we knew the current situation of the family we were searching for. Other factors that made it easier were some happy coincidences that fell into place during the search. One of these was that on the trip to their town my friend happening to meet a former neighbor of the family who had the phone number for our children's maternal uncle, living in Bangalore. This uncle was then able to put us in touch with Sunama, who had moved to Chennai.

Could you explain in brief about the reunion? Your kids reactions and their biological family reactions.

We made contact with Sunama in mid 2006 and we started sending letters through my Indian friend. Sunama, her second husband and their five children would visit my friend's office in Chennai to collect our letters and photographs, and my friend would translate our letters. She would then send us emailed messages from our children's family. After a few months of this contact I returned to India with our son and daughter, then age 12 and 13 years old. Our meeting took place on the side of the road outside my friend's office in Chennai, as the family was awaiting our arrival an hour ahead of our appointment. Sunama embraced our daughter, and they both started crying. She then hugged our son, before turning to me and embracing me also. Their welcome was warm and loving, and their small children were soon climbing into the arms of the older brother and sister they had only just met. The family invited me to come to stay in their home with our son and daughter. This was a little confronting because we knew the family lived in an impoverished community in very poor housing, but more so because we were traveling without my friend. My son, daughter and I spent four days living with our children's family, without any common language. It was a wonderful opportunity to start building relationships between all of us, and we were treated as honoured guests in their home and community.

....to be continued and concluded tomorrow

Why our family adoption is everybody’s business? (Q and A)

Did you ever have an incident where a stranger who may have heard about your family’s adoption story through someone comes up to ask you unnecessary questions? You’re not alone. People want to know the reasoning behind our decision to adopt a child (“You couldn’t have children of your own” for example) to caste of the child.

Sometimes such questions from strangers could hurt the feelings of our children so what do we need to do about it? Do we simply ignore or pick a fight? I suggest neither. Always remember that most of the people ask you these questions out of curiosity but no specific agenda. When you decide to confront this curious individual, this fact must remain active with in you at all times.

Make sure that your children are not around you or at least not at an audible distance. Don’t make it appear like it is an issue that you don’t want your children to be part of but something that adults needs to discuss. Be calm and only answer to the question. You must explain your answers only at the time of your choice.

Sometimes where the contrasting features (such as in inter-racial adoptions) are obvious, even the by standers may becomes curious and such kind of people simply need to be ignored or must be given a fitting reply. If you’re into promoting the message of adoption actively, don’t lose such opportunities to let people know how wonderful adoption is and how it had changed your life.

Whatever you may choose to do, always be careful about your children and their emotions because it is they whom you’re protecting and not the stranger.

Ruby

How to beat early empty nest syndrome? (Parenting – Q and A)

Today as my baby girl was carried to the bed by my wife she said “I can’t believe that she is going to go off to school”. I asked her what she meant and she said “I still feel she is so small and I can carry her”. I really didn’t know what to make of it nor to say but I knew what she was going through.

Thursday my baby girl will start her formal schooling for the first time. Everyone is excited but I can hear some unspoken nervousness in mom about leaving her baby to school. Mom and the baby have a schedule at home after the older leaves to school that they enjoy following it and it is about to be thrown in disarray. I think my wife is more concerned than I am.

I am familiar with the empty nest syndrome but I am wondering if my wife is going through an early empty nest syndrome? Is this common? How do families cope with it? Are there any strategies to beat this?

Feel free to leave your comments as anonymous if you don’t want to be identified.

Ruby

Picky eaters and late risers (Parenting Q & A)

I don’t think that this is a problem is confined to just my family but my older one is a picky eater and a late riser. She can go without eating for the whole day and doesn’t feel hungry. My wife tries everything that she possibly can to get her to eat but gets frustrated when she doesn’t succeed. About getting her out of the bed, it takes lot of prompting to get her out but it is not as bad as picky eating.

We attribute part of this problem to her getting used to American foods as a child at the day care in the US. She loves Pizzas, hotdogs, and French fries etc but fortunately we don’t get those in our small town. I was wondering if there’s anyone out there with creative solutions to solve the picky eating and late rising habits of our children.

Please write your comments in the comments section and if you feel not to be identified, feel free to use anonymous option.

Ruby