Losing a Referral

There are things in the adoption world that we do not like to talk about much, one is losing a referral. Just as it is heartbreaking going through a miscarriage, so is losing a referral. You make plans...

for your future child and have dreams of what life will be like with them in your family, you’ve seen pictures/videos of them and fallen in love and then the unthinkable happens, for whatever reason the referral doesn’t stick. There are many uncertainties in adoption and a referral can be one of them. Perhaps the birth parent comes forward and reclaims the child, or a couple in country decides to adopt the child before you pass court, maybe the child ends up having a medical issue bigger than you are equipped to handle, or perhaps another family was chosen for this particular child when you thought you would be the right family for them, your agency may have lost the referral, maybe somehow your child is stuck in their country of origin with no hopes of getting them out. Perhaps you had even had the enormous privilege of meeting the child before or after they were referred. How are we to handle these heartbreaking circumstances? I think trust has to be the answer, trust things are happening for a reason, trust things will be better for the child this way, even though it breaks your heart. Trust the bad will be made into good. It even puts into you a deeper realization of how priceless the children you already have are, or for a future child, as this happens your heart will eventually turn to thankfulness. And who knows what the future could bring. As uncomforting as it sounds now, there could even be hope that this same child would become available later on. Miracles do still happen.